The Body Holds Trauma

The body holds trauma.
This past week I’ve dealt with an unexpected flare up of my chronic illness.  I’ve also dealt with a frightening stream of relentless nightmares and last night a rare panic attack appeared out of no where.
After the panic attack told my husband I couldn’t figure out why my body had gone haywire this week.  He asked, “Is there anything significant about this time of the year?”  And then it hit me.  This week is the 9th anniversary of my brief stay at the cult headquarters. The week that forever changed my life.
Though this happens every year...
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I Am No Longer Praying For Healing

In the last two months I have made a large shift in my belief system.  I am no longer going to pray for God to heal me of my chronic illness.
You may have noticed I’ve been very quiet lately.  Almost immediately after my marriage in March, my health took another drastic turn.  I’ve suffered from a severe chronic illness for the past 16 years and the last two years have been especially difficult.  Even though I live in daily physical pain...
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New Medical Crisis

Last Friday the pain I’d been enduring for many months suddenly grew unbearable.  I canceled my nanny jobs for this week and prayed that a week in bed would calm down the Crohn’s flare I’d been fighting for nearly two years now.  
By Wednesday night, however, I was screaming in pain and my husband rushed me to the Emergency Room.  With my husband on speaker phone (he wasn’t allowed in the ER with me), the doctors quickly performed a procedure (which involved slicing into me with a scalpel without any sedation) as a temporary fix to lesson my pain and then eventually sent me home with instructions...
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Health Update: Future Uncertain

Joshua and I are back in KC now after driving to Alabama over the weekend to see my Crohn’s doctor. 
The news was not what we had hoped.  We have some difficult decisions to make in the near future.
As I’ve been trying to process what the future might look like for us, I am struggling with feelings of dread and hopelessness.  I so very desperately wish this was not my life. 
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What True Love Looks Like

Happy Birthday to the Love of my life!! 💗
I’m so grateful for this man who stayed by my side all last night and who offered to work from home today so he could care for me as I recover from my stem cell transplant.  I am in a lot of pain and I’m unable to walk and can barely move so he’s having to carry me around, fetch items for me, massage my sore knees, and even help change my bandages. What a way to spend a birthday!! 
I think most women look for a man who will woo them will spontaneous gifts and romantic dates, 
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I Have A Disability

I have a disability.
There, I said it.  For the first time in my life. 
Crohn’s disease is legally classified as a disability in the U.S according to the SSA.  Yet all my life people have told me I should never label myself.  “Words have power”, they said.  “If you claim to be healthy and healed you will be. If you claim to be sick you always will be.”  
But what I’m realizing now is that calling Crohn’s a disability is not a self-prophesying curse for myself, but rather it is simply...
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Welcome Home, Joshua!

After two days of visiting friends and family in Oregon, two days packing up Josh’s life, and four days covering 2,098 miles across the U.S. we finally arrived back in Kansas City at almost 3am last night.  
Joshua and I learned so much about each other on this trip.  There were countless stressful situations we had to navigate; from when his car broke down last week and we had to get a rental car for the trip, to when we realized we had way too much to pack and not nearly enough time, to painful goodbyes to his family, to an unexpected panic attack from me, to...
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