The Darkest Nights

Last night I was once again hunted by dreams of some of the darkest evil that exists in this world.  One lasting affect some sexual abuse survivors often endure is having their trauma manifest in horrific nightmares.  
After what seemed like an eternity, my screams at last woke me and I lay in bed shaking and hyperventilating.  I was terrified to fall back asleep so I grabbed my Jesus Calling and turned on some worship music and listened until the heaviness in my eyes finally overcame my fears and I drifted back to sleep.
This morning I have felt...
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Just Say No?

To the people who say, “Why don’t women just say no?” or “Just report it” or even “Workplace sexual harassment doesn’t exist anymore”, I have a few words for you. 
I am a full time Uber driver.  Being a female driver definitely puts me in the minority.  Even though this is my space, my car, my property — I am still violated at times.  
I do what I can to protect myself. 
I keep an icepick within reach of me at all times.  I bring my golden retriever service dog with me at all times...
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What Is A Girl Worth?

Never in my life have I read a more impactful book.
After many of my fellow plaintiffs had read and recommended this book to me after its release in September, I finally downloaded the audio version this week and began to listen.  I was not prepared for how it would affect me.
The first day after listening to the first couple of hours, I became very ill and eventually vomited from the overwhelming triggers and grief.  Each day after that, as I continued to listen...
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Lawsuit Update -- Year Four

I’m now about to enter year four of my legal battle with my former cult leader, Bill Gothard. He is currently appealing the massive victory my fellow plaintiffs and I were bestowed by a very honorable judge last January in a Chicago courtroom.  While we continue...
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I Walked Away from Church -- But Not Jesus

Shorty after leaving the cult, I took a break from church.  I was so tired of the abuse of authority that I’d experienced most of my church-going life; I needed a break from it all.
I walked away from going to church, but not from my faith.
While I do believe being a participant of a local church congregation is a wonderful thing and has so many benefits and protections for the believer, we should never confine our faith to four walls.  
During my two years away from church...
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New FB Group for Trauma Survivors!

One of the most healing tools for me these past three years has been some private FB groups for other survivors who have walked through similar journeys to mine.  The communities I have found there have been wonderfully helpful as I’ve deconstructed my former beliefs and eventually rebuilt them...
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Emotional Abuse is Physical Abuse

Emotional abuse IS physical abuse.
 
I was dying for most of my teenage years.  I mean literally, in a hospital, 73 pounds, not enough blood running through my veins, dying.  
 
When I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease.  The doctor said it was the worst case he’d ever seen...
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I Won't Be Speechless

“You’re dishonoring him.” “Why can’t you keep the past in the past?” “You’re bitter.”
These are all words that have been said to me since publicly naming my abuser.  I try to push the words out of my mind, but they hurt.  After 16 years of silence, I have finally found my voice...
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Telling My Story

Ever since I announced on my Social Media that I am writing a book about my #cult and #metoo story, I’ve received a lot of criticism. I’ve been told that I must not really be free, or that I haven’t really forgiven, or else I wouldn’t be so stuck in the past.

But here’s the thing, just because I write about my past doesn’t mean I’m stuck in it...

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#I’mASurvivor

What an incredible week — I will never forget it.

After fighting constant legal battles against him for the last three years, today I, along with six fellow victims, finally went up against our former cult leader, Bill Gothard, during a dramatic day-long hearing in Chicago...

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