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Joshua and I are back in KC now after driving to Alabama over the weekend to see my Crohn’s doctor.

The news was not what we had hoped. We have some difficult decisions to make in the near future.

As I’ve been trying to process what the future might look like for us, I am struggling with feelings of dread and hopelessness. I so very desperately wish this was not my life.

I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to fight so hard for life. I don’t want to deal with constant pain. I don’t want to have to worry about my future children and the possible effects of being on risky meds through a pregnancy. I don’t want to deal with any of this.

A few nights ago Joshua shared with me a song by King and Country written by Luke when he was extremely sick and had little hope of getting well. Luke’s wife told him one night, “Please don’t leave me”, and so he penned this song. It speaks so much of my heart right now.

Some days I wish so much I could just give up. To stop the future from coming. To crawl into a hole and stop fighting. But then I remember: I was put on this earth for a reason, and I’m going through this for a reason. It hurts and don’t like it, but it does have a way of bringing me to my knees, reminding me to be thankful for the present, and to trust that even in the hardest moments, I am not alone. And for that, I am thankful and will continue to fight another day.

So for now, in the midst of an uncertain future, we will keep on living. We will dance a little, laugh a little, and hope a little more. And together we will keep on fighting.

Below (under the lyrics) is the powerful music video. ?

? “What do you do when you don’t get better
Strong arms get too, get too weak to hold her
Oh God, give me just enough strength to make it through
Sleepless, this madness is walking me out to the ledge
And stands there beside me, shivering out on the edge
And oh God all I, all I ask is a little relief, just a moment of peace
I don’t want to live without you
I’m not ready to live without you
So let’s dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more
‘Cause I don’t want to leave without you, without you
This thorn in my side, though it cuts and stings me
Has opened these eyes, I’ve never seen so clearly
And oh God, I thank You, ’cause You bring me to my knees, back on my knees
I don’t want to live without you
I’m not ready to live without you
So let’s dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more
Yes let’s dance a little, laugh a little, hope a little more
‘Cause I don’t want to leave without you, without you’ ?

~Em

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About the Author

Emily Elizabeth Anderson is a Christian blogger and rising activist for people who have experienced abuse within a Christian environment.

After growing up in a fundamentalist cult for 23 years and experiencing childhood domestic violence, Emily began her journey to recovery in 2015 and eventually found Jesus to be her ultimate healer. She soon turned her passion for writing into a blog and her story has since been featured on several media outlets including NPR.

She married her best friend, Joshua, in 2020 and together they are passionate about educating on the realities of trauma survival and recovery, as well as supporting survivors they meet through their online community.

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